Your Golf Snob Friend and Your Black Metal Friend are Exactly The Same.

What does golf and black metal have in common? The following are two typical conversations held with your snobbish golf friend and your snobbish black metal friend, respectively:

SNOBBISH GOLF FRIEND: Well, technically, <INSERT YOUR FAVORITE COURSE> isn’t a true links course…

SNOBBISH BLACK METAL FRIEND: Well, technically, <INSERT YOUR FAVORITE METAL BAND> isn’t true black metal…

SGF: A lot of people just call everything “links” with absolutely no idea that there’s a fundamental difference. Mostly dads.

SBMF: A lot of people just call everything “black metal” with absolutely no idea that there’s a fundamental difference. Mostly dads.

SGF: For one, true links golf needs to be built on sandy ground, which forms dunes and drains amazing. None of that wet parkland golf. Gorse and fescue are a must or else it just won’t play right. Oh, and shrieking winds!

SBMF: For one, true black metal needs to be built on treble, which forms a terrifying atmosphere. None of that wet death metal production. Blastbeats and tritones are a must or else it just won’t play right. Oh, and shrieking vocals!

SGF: Some people think you can just plop a golf course next to the ocean and now it’s “Links.” Not true.

SBMF: Some people think you can just plop some corpsepaint on and now it’s “Black Metal.” Not true.

SGF: But for what it’s worth, yes; the course totally needs to be on the ocean to count.

SBMF: But for what it’s worth, yes; the band totally needs corpsepaint to count.

SGF: I would argue that you need to be in the U.K. for it to be true links. None of this Bandon or Barnbougle crap.

SBMF: I would argue that you need to be from Scandinavia for it to be true black metal. None of this Behemoth or Borgir crap.

SGF: Playing a true links is totally different that playing a regular golf course. It touches your soul. It’s an experience that’s just indescribable.

SBMF: Listening to true black metal is just totally different than listening to other metal. It touches your lack of soul. It’s an experience that’s just indescribable.

SGF: Hail Satan.

SBMF: Hail Satan.

Don't like us TOO much. Popularity will kill the scene.

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