What does golf and black metal have in common? The following are two typical conversations held with your snobbish golf friend and your snobbish black metal friend, respectively:

SNOBBISH GOLF FRIEND: Well, technically, <INSERT YOUR FAVORITE COURSE> isn’t a true links course…

SNOBBISH BLACK METAL FRIEND: Well, technically, <INSERT YOUR FAVORITE METAL BAND> isn’t true black metal…

SGF: A lot of people just call everything “links” with absolutely no idea that there’s a fundamental difference. Mostly dads.

SBMF: A lot of people just call everything “black metal” with absolutely no idea that there’s a fundamental difference. Mostly dads.

SGF: For one, true links golf needs to be built on sandy ground, which forms dunes and drains amazing. None of that wet parkland golf. Gorse and fescue are a must or else it just won’t play right. Oh, and shrieking winds!

SBMF: For one, true black metal needs to be built on treble, which forms a terrifying atmosphere. None of that wet death metal production. Blastbeats and tritones are a must or else it just won’t play right. Oh, and shrieking vocals!

SGF: Some people think you can just plop a golf course next to the ocean and now it’s “Links.” Not true.

SBMF: Some people think you can just plop some corpsepaint on and now it’s “Black Metal.” Not true.

SGF: But for what it’s worth, yes; the course totally needs to be on the ocean to count.

SBMF: But for what it’s worth, yes; the band totally needs corpsepaint to count.

SGF: I would argue that you need to be in the U.K. for it to be true links. None of this Bandon or Barnbougle crap.

SBMF: I would argue that you need to be from Scandinavia for it to be true black metal. None of this Behemoth or Borgir crap.

SGF: Playing a true links is totally different that playing a regular golf course. It touches your soul. It’s an experience that’s just indescribable.

SBMF: Listening to true black metal is just totally different than listening to other metal. It touches your lack of soul. It’s an experience that’s just indescribable.

SGF: Hail Satan.

SBMF: Hail Satan.